I feel love again
I feel again
Don’t loose that again… Is all I have to say to myself….
I feel love again
I feel again
Don’t loose that again… Is all I have to say to myself….
The two hooded horsemen watch me from a distance. The see me now as clearly as I see them through cloud and void it is but a dream but a thought and imagination. For they know everywhere I have been and know where I’m going and those that I remember who now have moved on
She sits on the counter top. Looking away from me but not with me or out of distain. She’s no one to me not a past face maybe an actress but desire set in flesh. I feel no desire for lust or for passion. I just feel. She’s a picture, a figment of some image of some stolen moment of someone else’s view
Overwhelmingly embracing the bliss before sleep, the heavy sounding breathing this thing called sleep has become an undefeatable beast. The head feels one against the pillow and rhythm sets in over all rhyming possibilities as I try to convey my feelings before sleep come and wash me away. To sit down and design myself to a fate unknown and uncontrollable. No sleep makes you crazy so sleep must make you sane. But we lie down and close our eyes to solemnly swear that we will wake up tomorrow and all will be there.
Every time I feel it, words just spill out. Each time I want to say more the heaviness keeps pulling. A weight has been lifted but I’ve never felt heavier. Who is this telling me to sleep?
So I originally started this as I was blasting through Philadelphia from New York to Washington whilst its literally blowing a snow storm outside the window.
Everything is white, cold and reminds me of yesterday; A day of which where I almost gave myself hypothermia. Bus tours in December… never a bright idea. But if you truly want to see the city quick and all in its wonder as an observer. Then I cannot recommend sitting downstairs on a bus. It’s all about the open top view. Just if you happen to go when I did. Wrap up warm.
Arriving in New York a week ago from Boston; The Big Apple was intimidating, scary, and busy what did I expect you ask. I’m not shy of big cities, but I will say London and even Bangkok have space compared to the bustling center that is Times Square, where fortunately or unfortunately my apartment was located at.
Safe to say I got blinded by the lights of Times Square walking admits the chaos seeing the likes of Woody from Toy Story to even Bridezilla. The street performers blending between the crowd from all around the world strive to make a living. I have no idea how it works… or where even you apply for a job doing this.
I would defiantly apply to be Buzz Lightyear. I was travelling alone. But I wanted to make the most of it. I was starving though.
I explored such places such as Hell’s Kitchen’s culinary delights, getting myself use to the traffic system, the easily navigated blocks and avenues, found myself wandering the streets of Wall and Broad, in my first few days spending moments watching the suits of the exchange doing their best Michael Douglas and Shia Labouf impressions, no judgement was passed, never regret what you don’t have. These people I thought had worked hard to get where they were.
Took a bus completely up town and walked the streets of Harlem saw the projects, where all they have is a dream, the high line of the city in the distance every morning would make anyone yearn for more.
I fell in love with the lower east side, found a coyote that certainly wasn’t ugly. It was just the New York I wanted, and I could tell if I were to ever move here, to the fair city itself it would be the lower east side I would populate.
The weather the past few days had been heavy rain and over cast. So i saved one sight for a better day. A plan in which everyone else had the same idea. So on one of the brightest days whilst venturing New York City… I took her in… The Empire State.
Standing atop the “Empire” makes you realize how proud this culture really should be of itself, as they are from their history, from taking independence from the British to facing slavery head on and saying no! The fact they built this giant monument in the midst of a great depression. Accomplishment comes to mind.
Life at the top looking down was a sight to see and makes you think of how the Trumps and the countless rich and famous must really live their lives. How it’s easier when looking down to forget the problems on the ground.
It took three hours to get to the top. So not as quick as the movies make out when those couples meet for their romantic rendezvous. Three hours still, is a long time… Let me explain. Before i went I bought tickets for the hop on and off tour, traveling N.Y alone, my original idea was to walk it, until scale was explained and put into practice… Id be walking alright… alone and for hours. The Ticket included entry into the Empire State, a ferry ride past lady liberty and various other extras and discounts etc you never read into.
When reaching the Empire State, the line was one hell of a line. When approaching the crowds, I was bombarded by fellows in blue jackets ushering people down an express line, offering tickets for and extra $20 of course. I hadn’t really examined my ticket (My first mistake) and wasn’t sure whether I was even in the right place or not. In attempting to get myself some assistance I found myself being ushered down the express line, down the side of a building covered in scaffolding, I could have been in London for all I knew, but within I moments I was greeted in the “Empire State” lobby. After experiencing what I suppose was an entertainment ride from the 90’s voiced over by Kevin Bacon I started my ascent to the top. It was here when processing my ticket again… I Discovered I could have just come straight up and headed straight to the top. So if you ever find yourself in my position. Please check your tickets.
Later on I thought myself brave and took a bus uptown central park west. It took me a while to find a bus running around Columbus Circle a few times, I could have walked Really… I just really wanted to see a dinosaur. As which, when you find the building, you were sure not to miss it, outside two trees carved into the shape of my favourite cold blooded creature.
I shortly disappeared into the Museum of Natural History in which turned out to be much much more than Ben Stiller ever revealed, it has to be one of the finest museums in the world, I choked up the $22 entry fee, with this I included the Hayden Planetarium add on, which was totally worth it. The show was starting soon, so I put my exploring on hold for the time being and took a cramped elevator up a floor into a further cramped dark waiting room. Sometimes, back home, I can suffer from claustrophobia, I mean, who doesn’t like being cramped together with no space, breathing recycled air, squashed like sardines in a tin? Off topic… Traveling on my own though, I found all my fears just washing away over time, nothing like New York City to wash away the fear, I mean so much could happen to a little soul traveling the world alone. So instead… I took in the galaxy and the universe. Within minutes that felt like hours, we were all being ushered into another dark room with a rounded spherical roof. The Planetarium. I settled into my seat and was able to ignore the only slightly annoying screams of school children (Lets face it, I was most likely to join in with the screaming) as the show started. At one point when the room was plunged into utter darkness a huge scream echoed across the blackness. I laughed and sat back as familiar voice of Neil deGrasse Tyson came over and the stars started shining on the screen above. Explaining about the universe forming and the connection between everything and the elusive dark matter that glues our universe together. It was the first Planetarium I’ve ever set foot in, and as my trip took me across the United States, not the last, but still it made the whole experience just something extra though. I won’t go into more intricate details about what mammals I saw and how much time I spend staring exhibitions, I spent most of my time wandering the areas detailing space and the known world and also Dinosaurs… Lots of Dinosaurs. From touching a million year old bone to say seeing the stars form before your very eyes, if your ever find yourself in New York City, I am sure you’ll find yourself here.
Across the road from the museum, you’ll find a park like no other. Its hard to miss. Central Park all 843 acres of it in total. It’s a wide open space probably more enjoyable in the Summer when the grounds are open. Early December had greeted the city with rain, and the grass was soaked through so I stuck to the path in front of me.
It’s easy to get lost in the park. It’s huge. Park back home i’m used too can be walked in about ten to fifteen minutes tops. This took a bit more planning. I found myself once again strolling through looking for the landmarks. When my parents visited the same location a couple years back, they themselves got lost. When I originally located a map it didn’t help as for the love of god I could not locate the “You are here” tab.
I am sure come summer time, the park will be bustling, cramped and full. Balloons and children and all things great. December brings grey, emptiness, the shelter brings the homeless. Walking through the rain, past what I would call an outside theater stage, sat three homeless, one pulled out a hammer, I only slightly recall the conversation but here is how it went.
“Thats a good hammer man”
“Really? How so?”
“You wanna hang onto that, dont let anyone take it, look. Use it like this”
And from then he was giving examples to another on different ways to hit it on certain locks as the conversation faded.
“yeah, get a bit of metal pipe or something, hit it dead on under the lock and bang, got a bike, you can sell”
This was New York.
I spent about an hour listening to this young guy play the violin in the backdrop the fountain. After which I took in the surroundings. It was 2pm, it had been raining, not the heavy rain, but the lighter stuff that got you soaked everywhere. When I encountered the Zoo, I was humming and haring, was a zoo really appropriate for the middle of a city. When is a zoo appropriate? The Zoo was practically empty so with a spring in my step I headed in. The various species where all taken care off, the humidity in one of the sections was more than welcome. Leaving partly dry it was here I came into contact with a species I have only ever dreamed of seeing, and they are so very very rare and almost gone from this world completely. I found myself sitting for about an hour watching the elusive Red Panda, I could say the creature resembled foxes except with tails of a Raccoon, lovely questioning little faces watching their keeper cut the bamboo in the distance. I was lucky to have seen this beautiful creatures, in England the last time I had the opportunity, the Pandas kept themselves to themselves. New York City… What a treat.
I could write much much more about experience, and may even do so. How I got lost between avenues and streets, which were the best places to be. I could tell you I watched the future, children jumping of rocks in Central Park and watched people jog the big apple.
But it’s nothing to actually breathing it. The memory is already fading. But its mine.
All in all, I came, I conquered… I made it my own. I did it my way. I found my New York. I hope you get to do the same.
Whats next. Washington D.C
Season: cold! Especially cold!
Things to do: History
You gotta respect an airline or any service that puts it’s hands up and admits it was wrong.
My day was set… A seven hour flight to Boston. My last seven hour journey was a train to Plymouth; Where, when it was reoccurring, I always hoped for a smiling blonde to be seated next to me, we strike up great conversation… This has never happened… Yet.
Spending 7 hours next to a smelly, large typical travelling partner. With the uncut nails, gritty bearded, worn eyes. I shouldn’t judge. He could be anyone a man coming back from a funeral… A man on a quest for inner peace, a code writer… I lose myself.
So when I literally got into Montreal at 7 in the evening 10/11pm U.K. time where I’ve just departed from. Where I was greeted by a mob of angry mixed Americans, Canadians and Europeans.
It turns out that they overbooked the connecting flight… By a lot… I was desperate for sleep… And I think I either had started myself to become stale either that or my travelling companion of my previous journey had rubbed his scent on to me… I just wanted to get my head down.
I heard the word volunteer… So agreed to volunteer. The next thing I knew I was being escorted to customer service where I was being informed that my bags were being removed from flight “say what”
And that I volunteered to give up my well in advanced booked seat…
In all honesty I wanted to take it back. “I take it back” “put them back on the plane” “I want to go to Boston” when the catch kicked in
“We will pay for your hotel for the night inclusive of all food and drink”
I paused… “Free food and drink you say”
“Yep” was the response! I was sold!
“And we will also go you 800 dollars”
“Because your flight has been delayed by over 6 hours”
Certainly not going to argue. So what, I never made it to boston. But I made money… On my first day,. Never a bad thing.
So now sitting on a shaky loud flight from Montreal to Boston which makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to cash the 800 dollars. Need to survive this ride first.
When arriving in Boston first thing I did was see how the American Revolution started which took me down to the scene of the Boston Tea party… So ok. Being British and on that boat was a little weird. More so when they found out with all their hazar-ing, made me personally throw all the tea chests off the boat and shout stuff against the king I forget the wording exactly. But wow! I knew us British weren’t the greatest of bunch back in the day. But really! What can I say. The Brits love their taxes ;) and tea quite clearly.
So that was that. History was made.
History has a way of making fools of us all.
Onwards I sought out the Boston Aquarium somewhere I desperately wanted to visit many years ago when I came to Boston pre drinking age. And it was everything I wanted. Inner child thanked me! There’s not much I can say about an aquarium except there was lots of fish. Turtles galore. I could of spent more time taking in information, breeds, but instead i just stood around in awe for a while.
I even found myself home sick… No… Home-Hungry
So… Only two days away and craving a taste of home. You may think that may be something British… But no. Half Thai, Half Irish.
Born from oblivion and raised. It has though led to culinary delights! We even have rice with our roast dinners. And chillies… Let’s not forget the chillies!
So I found myself in a little Thai restaurant, on the corner of a dark street in Boston’s city centre. The place is buzzing. A good atmosphere must mean something. I mean you never enter an empty restaurant do you? Before I’m in the door… I’ve ordered… So now waiting… Waiting on my first American/Thai curry…
It’s not gonna beat the mothers home cooked speciality though… I can tell you that.
The next few days were spent round Newbury street enjoying coffee and books and the occasional note taking a recommendation from my Brother back in the United Kingdom. For once again I had no need to rush I did still manage to lose myself in the city next to this wonder.
I managed to find my way, by taking an excursion to the Prudential Center to locate my way with a Birdseye view. It easy to get lost up here. But finding a point of reference usually helps.
Even though my time was brief, and I didn’t meet anyone except the undercover cop attempting to sell me drugs then arrest me, and I’m now sitting in a bar in Hell’s Kitchen, Boston will always be dear in my heart. Maybe it’s the Irish roots. Maybe it’s just Boston.
But alas like life we only move forward. New York so far has been intimidating. But time like many. To make it my own.
This has become a place for dark regress.
This is everything I didn’t want from a blog. Indecent deep thought one after another. I’ve always been with them as they have always been with me.
“Ignorance is so well organized that we study about everything except ourselves.
I try to decrease the thoughts in my mind. If we stopped thinking we’d have no problems.”
A. T. Ariyaratne
Can you ever change direction? This question not applied to me. But to the entire human race. To every single bipedal flesh bag out there making an unconscious decisions to be an ass wipe to society. To every scholar, inventor, millionaire not listening! Screaming in a bellowing impression of Gandalf the grey’s voice! Can we ever change!
We study about everything. And we study ourselves so much, we know our faults, we know them so well; from the conscious thought of disposable rubbish, to hidden desires, fetishes, traits, and un-kickable habits.
The world is instantaneous these days. We are connected through web and fire.
Countries still wage war, dust still settles over the corpses of humans, animals, and the ashes of plants and trees get carried in the wind. People still suffer in poverty. But I don’t. I’ve been raised well. I’ve met people and I’ve passed strangers and I’ve watched the stars burn in the night sky and I know as a friend has said that there is no answer to the riddle of existence we are all random packets of a replicating cell structure in a dying universe devoid of meaning. Yet I strive to be more.
I strive to be more.
I sit and watch people rise and fall in a media spotlight that never changes. It’s not wrong. It’s just not right either. There should be a way we can have it all. The knowledge and passion of the human mind if brought together could accomplish a world even the Christian God and Allah couldn’t comprehend, after all isn’t it written we were made in his image.
Humans. Together. Survival.
We are stronger together. We will survive alone. We can be savage. We originate from hunters. Victims are prey. We are meant to be more. We are better when we are Kinder.
I don’t think it’s enough to know that there is injustice in the world. I don’t think its right to preach just one thought.
There are families out there who have their children taken from them…
We will pause, for a second, for a moment in time to remember the ones we’ve lost. We live on a rock that greets us like guardians. We haven’t even managed to protect our own. This is a system that makes itself, the rich are the rich, and they stay safe because of power. The poor are the poor. They stay safe because they take what they want when they need it.
In the wild, The world itself takes from all life, plants die, animals prey on the weaker ones who equally have the right to the soil beneath our feet, all fall to common skin. Survival.
But killing our own. Murder. Rape. Bullying. The wild.
Where do we draw the line and come to face what we leave behind, we are failing ourselves and all we have been in trusted to protect. It was given to you the moment you took breath. The moment you started connecting thoughts, slurring words, recognizing faces, spelling your name, this is your calling. You were never asked to do this. You have no option but to succeed. Failing is not an option.
I guess whichever way we go… We’ll all still be dust in the end. Not even memories because there’ll be no one to remember us. So there’s no incentive. No passion.
No tomorrow, just today and the one after that the same as before.
Can we make a change.
My last few days I’ve made an effort to simply melt with kindness to smile at the ones who I would usually just ignore, to spend more time with the people I work with less. And you know what. I’m glad I did. I know more than I ever thought.
I see a light at the end.
What it takes to get up each morning and put yourself out there. All I’ll say is start, by waking up… then for your next trick… Make a difference, don’t settle for ordinary.
We were all put here to intersect with other and their simple and tiny lives. To maybe change it for the better. I can’t dismay. There are beasts out there that rival the darkest of hunters. I know so much about that.
I think the point of this is, what does it take, to just be kinder humans…
I certainly don’t know the answer but I’m willing to try.
So I’m putting it out there, to the medium. I’m fishing, see if there’ll be any replies… Prepare for embarrassment?
I’m set to travel America soon, over the winter periods taking me from Boston to Hawaii. Over the journey stopping off points include New York, Orleans, San Fran and Los Angeles for New Years. Plane, Trains and And West coast Automobiles.
I’ve done my own research, I’ve planned my route, but routes change. Ones junk is another mans treasure. I’ve mapped the days. I’ve counted the hours and I’m excited… I’m also missing something.
So I’m thinking…
Do you live here? Have you traveled there? Have you had an amazing time? Do you have some horrors stories you’d love to tell, or just some nightmares you have about travelling? Hit me up. What are your hotspots? Avoid spots?
Calling all travellers.
4 and a half hours till work… Clearly so excited I can’t sleep…
Couldn’t kick the lady out the bed so managed to re adjust her to the recovery position cause ya know with all that growling wouldn’t want her to choke or anything…
Kicked the cat out of the room for the fact she has the rest of the day to do sweet f all. (Extremely jealous of this feline creature and if reincarnation is real I have my fingers crossed)
So tempted to go scare Sean Fennessey for shits and giggles but couldn’t deal with the tears, mine nor his.
Have refrained from xboxing but now looking back that was stupid. Could of easily smashed out fellowship of the ring extended edition by now and had a jolly jaunt along with the hobbitis.
Saw Jupiter through my telescope.
Stumbled around bringing the telescope in from the garden.
But back to later today.
“Clear eyes, Full Hearts…”
What do we do, when we’re not doing stuff…I find myself asking this question, whilst I am walking around in circles, wondering what to do.
I have a lot of planning to do.
A lot of money to save.
Projects have been non-existent completely, just dreams and ideas floating in my head minutes before one sleeps. Contemplating sport packages with our television provider. But then again, I’m not even a big fan of sports so why… I do like sports. I like American sports. American Football…. Hockey (Canadian?) Basketball, these things are not so much over here…
Cricket. Yes lots of Cricket. But I don’t like cricket… Neither love it. Nor fans of people singing about loving it.
So maybe that rules out sports.
But I am going to America.
It had dawned on me, that I had kept my stepping stone job for over a year, it really it’s funny how we all make different choices in life that send us different places, one could have worked so hard in my chosen dream to now be writing maybe for television, or publishing another novel, but instead gets comfortable in a job that provides money. Any previous reader knows, I like money. But not at the expense of my soul.
I suppose plans are always what keep us moving forward, but as I’ve said, I’m mainly a storyteller, a creator of thoughts, not a great finisher, I know this, and I really know this.
Sits one script in the draw, some chapters here and there, short stories hidden away, and ideas for more than a few. So I decided I needed something new.
Ever since I was young, and I mean like 10-15 years old-young, because lets face it, my hair may be thinning, but at 27, Patrick Fennessey is still very very young with lots to learn; I wanted to be American, I don’t know why… maybe cause I thought things would just be easier (which I know to be utter crap) maybe it was the accent, it was probably because the television was just plain awesome. I knew being from England Id never be a writer for Hollywood, or be creating my own show, working in the writer’s room, so maybe that’s an answer there, Patrick gave up before even trying.
So on one idealistic afternoon, with thoughts in my head, with no ties to my name, I decided to make decision… to travel America. Because as Fifel said “there are no cat’s in America”.
My girlfriend, her sister and brother are flying out to Vancouver mid December then driving the west coast to L.A for new years then off to Hawaii. My girlfriend and I have very different ideas about travelling, which to say, I am always right about (she is mainly right) I wasn’t a fan of this idea, after one trip not being exactly right, I’d put my beloved on a “no holiday/no fly” list so the option of going with them was something I really didn’t want to do…But Boston. Boston was something I did like. Plus I couldn’t leave my loving beautiful girlfriend in L.A for new years with just her family could I…
So I decided I would go. With some conditions… I meet them for Christmas. And we all have fun. We fly to Hawaii come new years together.
So here I am, my plan to see Boston, New York and Washington D.C to start, travelling by train down to New Orleans, Houston and onwards to San Francisco, Las Vegas and Los Angeles set. Hence the saving. But one bonus about being English… is the currency exchange so plus side for that.
I have my own ideas about what, where and things to do, but what can you suggest?
I fly out on the 1st of December and arrive in snowy/rainy Boston where I plan to sit in an all night café and finish my novel. But things never go to plan. I’d love to hear about others trips through America, Id love to hear some suggestions of what you would see if you were me.
I suppose this blog has always been about trying to expand myself, learn more and better myself but I sold out. But I’m ready to jump again, take that step off the ledge
Begin again. Because after all. Isn’t that the American Dream?
If only I could be bothered to tell you.
You’d wish I hadn’t.
Is it bad I just sit and scour the user online tab to see if your name is present. Even if I have nothing to say except the same.
Quantum locked in the in’s and outs.
Forgetting names but not dreams; you’ve grown bitter in them now.
With no plans, thoughts, nothing set in stone. I can only sit, wait and see what the new day brings. And I can only hope it’s a good one.
There were days you know when it was just paper, books, walks and talks and old stuff.
Now were connected, through chips and flicks, white and black, mini’s and customisation.
Have we lost or we gained. I can’t answer that. Do I even have the right to question. I like both very much, they were just better with you. I live in a shadow, deep beneath the rock.
In the corner you’ve forgotten about.
In that space that’s not there.
Let’s see what he’ll do next ill say. Maybe this time it could be it.
Old people are forgotten, by many but few. But The young live forever.
As long as their stories are told.
What can you learn from a story? Many things, even just one, teach you how to be a hero, how to say no or give you a new voice to finally say bye.
There are many things we can learn. They’ll all be forgotten though, soon.
As one day you’ll be old, looking down at ageless faces who know it’s all glory, are set in their ways.
Have already made choices that have sealed their days.
And you’ll forget names, unless their important. You’ll probably forget them. But not one like Jim.
But you’ll remember the faces. And you’ll remember the dreams.
Where have the days gone? And where have you been.